I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
