Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
