so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize