There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
