I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
