Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
