I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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