Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he thought i was a dude.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
