Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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