How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
