just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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