Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
