so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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