His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
