My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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