Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
two words...techno handjob
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize