found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
