woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You need Xanax blowdarts
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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