my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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