Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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