So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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