After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
