Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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