I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
