I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
