I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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