i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
