you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
