No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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