Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
