My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Randomize
