Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
