You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
