someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
