Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
