i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
