you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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