Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
