Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
