I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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