she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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