You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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