I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
