I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
