I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
