I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize