My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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