I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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