lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
COCAINE IS GR8
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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