i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
