my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
