I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
