Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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