explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
