I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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