I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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