I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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