My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
