why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
