he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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