Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
