i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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