Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
