Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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